Elephants.Eat.Oranges.

Let me set the scene:

I wake up on Sunday morning, Jared and I's 6th wedding anniversary.

I race to be the first one to say "happy anniversary" as I wake Jared up.

I start getting ready for church, thinking about how awesomely jam packed the past 6 years have been for Jared and I.

I wouldn't change a single minute of it, we are at an excellent place because of what we have been through and it hasn't all been wonderful, it hasn't even been pleasant for a large portion of it but I married my best friend and I will forever be thankful for that and it will always be worth the work.

Thinking happy thoughts all while I'm getting ready.  

I can hear Jared with the kids downstairs, eating breakfast, talking about the days agenda, I smell my coffee brewing and then hear footsteps of Jared coming upstairs to deliver my coffee with an extra scoop of ice-cream in it.  

Hearts, hearts, hearts, lovely feelings and what not.

I married my hero.

I come downstairs to trade places with Jared. 

I'm ready for the day, now it's Jared's turn to get ready while I finish up breakfast, mess and getting the kids dressed.

(our typical Sunday routine)

Aveline: cleaned up and dressed.check.

Oliver: cleaned up and dressed.check.

Leonidas: cleaned up and dressed..not quite.

Leonidas:  oh how I love you with all of my heart.

Leonidas put his dishes in the sink, washed his hands and his face and headed to the living room to get dressed.  I asked him to put on his jeans, he squirmed, wiggled, whined and threw a fit.  My well mannered little big boy threw a fit because he didn't want to put his jeans on.  

Now, if you know Nidas you know he rarely throws a fit, he rarely does anything child-like at all, that's just his personality.  He has always been more interested in adult conversation.  Instead of playing with a toy he is figuring out how it works, what makes it tick.  Jared and I call Leonidas our 40 year old little boy, we laugh and picture him being just like Manny from the show Modern Family.  

Oliver though, he's our Luke from the show, care free, wears his heart on his sleeves .. not just one sleeve but both of them, he let's his emotions show without any filter at all.  When Oliver is happy the whole world can see it and when Oliver is sad the whole world can hear it, that's just how he is.  

Until yesterday I always thought that Oliver was being "difficult" because he showed his emotions so frequently and so easily.  It is frustrating that he will be so happy one minute and the next he's crying because something didn't go his way, especially when we're out in public or at someone's house.

However, it is very easy to tell how Oliver feels because he lets us know without even thinking about whether he should or shouldn't be acting a certain way.

Leonidas though, he doesn't.  He has always been a very VERY easy child, he likes to please people so it has never been a struggle with him and because of that I realize that I set some pretty high standards for him, which he always meets, that I'm now taking down quite a few notches.  He likes to feel needed and he loves positive encouragement but he's still a kid and should have kid-like responsibilities.

(here's where I start to feel queasy!)

Leonidas threw a fit because he didn't want to put his jeans on (so unlike him!).

I yelled YELLED at him.

shouted.screamed.hollered.

(call it what you want but it wasn't nice)

I yelled at him and told him to put his jeans on.

I made eye contact with him when I yelled and do you know what his reaction was?

n.o.t.h.i.n.g.

not a flinch.

not a change in expression.

not a tear.

it seemed like he didn't even care that I had yelled.

I was a bit shocked and a bit relieved that he didn't seem bothered by it because I was already embarrassed that I had been so rude with him.

Of course, I immediately felt terrible for yelling at him.

I was upset and chose to handle it like a child.

about 10 minutes later I couldn't shake how I had treated him.

I called him over to me, he came just as chipper as ever.

I sat on my knees, placed him on my knees facing me.

I made eye contact with him and I told him that I had something to tell him.

I said "Leonidas, I'm so so sorry that I yelled at you like I did."

I didn't even have enough time to get all of my apology out,

Leonidas broke down.

He started crying, like I've never seen before.

He curled up in my lap, buried his head in my chest and cried .. and cried.

I hadn't even finished apologizing to him for the way that I acted towards him.

I continued to tell him 

"The way that I acted wasn't good, it wasn't right.  Nobody deserves to be yelled at."

he was still crying.

(breaks my heart!)

I didn't promise that I would never yell at him again.

(because I do NOT make promises to my children that I can not keep)

I did promise him that I will try my hardest to stay calm when I am feeling grumpy.

At that very moment I learned a very important lesson.

in this case it was my yelling at him that triggered it but it goes for all situations:

..Just because there aren't any tears doesn't mean he isn't crying on the inside..

I do believe that I learned a very valuable lesson yesterday.

Leonidas doesn't always show his emotions but that doesn't mean they aren't there.

In fact, he's the one that needs the most emotional support from us so that he always feels comfortable enough to share all of his feelings with us.  He has always been a very "level headed" kid so I always assumed his emotions were the same but it turns out, he was just waiting for me to invite him to share his feelings with me.

(oh gosh.  i'm a teary eyed mess just thinking about how hurtful i was to him)

After Leonidas and I had shed our tears,

I whispered our secret phrase in his ear

"Elephants.Eat.Oranges?"

to which he replied

"Elephants.Eat.Oranges!"

:)  :)  I smiled a million smiles  :)  :)  

Elephants eat oranges is our secret phrase to say "I love you" without anybody else knowing what we're saying.  :)

*****************************************

you might be asking yourself .. why on earth would you apologize to your child?

The answer simple.

BECAUSE.

.. because my children need to see that their parents make mistakes and we take action for our mistakes.  if my children can't live from the examples I set for them in every area of my life, what will they live by and who will they look up to?  

I want my children to see my mistakes and know that I can (and will) own up to them.

Do I feel terrible for what happened: yes

Am I thankful for what happened: yes

Thankful because now I know that Nidas doesn't easily express the emotions that he has.

I truthfully thought he was just happy all the time because he is such an easy going kid.

Maybe he is happy all the time and if that's the case, great.

If he isn't happy all of the time, now I know that he is waiting for me to emotionally engage with him before he shares how he is feeling.

I am in no way sharing this story to get pity comments or anything of the sort.

The last thing I want is someone to feel sorry for me or for what happened.

I did learn a very VERY valuable lesson.

I felt it necessary to share this story because maybe someone else out there with a 40-year old 4 year old might take my mistake and use it for their benefit to avoid the heartache that it caused me.

A letter to my son..

Leonidas, I love you with all of my heart.

I promise to always try my hardest to keep my cool.

If my hardest isn't hard enough, I will find a way to try even harder.

I love you more than you will ever know.

You are so SO very special to me.

I am sorry for hurting you and I'm sorry for the times that I have let you down.

I am sorry for the times that I will hurt you again.

Elephants.Eat.Oranges.

I will be engaged..

inhale...

do you smell that? 

it smells like comfort...

I have a pan of my great great grandmothers homemade chicken and noodle soup simmering on the stove today during nap time, yep .. chicken and noodles for dinner tonight!

  I have 45 minutes before the kids wake up and we head to school to pick up Nidas.  

I thought I'd share a bit of my heart with you today, as much as I can share in a 45 minute type session.

Being a mother good mother doesn't come naturally for me.

  I have to work for it.  It isn't something that just happened once I had children.

Somewhere along the way I lost my ability to play, build tents, have parades, create messes, explore through the grass jungle, skip, laugh and even read .. I guess I'm what Peter Pan would call "an adult".

I do want my children to love and respect me. 

 I also want my children to be open with me, to play with me, to have fun with me, to confide in me .. not just now but when they are teenagers and after that when they are adults.

For the first 3 years of Leonidas' life it was all about structure for us.  I thrived off it (and still do), I can't function without order and cleanliness.  I'm not sure if it's because of the transitions that we were constantly in while Nidas was younger, by transitions I mean living in other people's homes, Jared being gone, constantly being "busy" with visiting family and friends, or just me not fully adjusting to the life of a stay at home mom but somewhere in there something was making me feel the need to discipline my child more than love my child.  

When Nidas was little I had severe postpartum depression.  

I'm not talking baby blues and a few random tears .. I'm talking sobs, constantly (when there wasn't anyone else around), there were times when Nidas was younger (we're talking newborn - 6 months) that I didn't even want to hold him .. I didn't even want to hold my own child.  Thinking back on how I felt when Nidas was little makes me so so SO sad.  

I've never really told a lot of people about these experiences, Jared knows and a few other moms know but that's about it.  Nidas' safety was never an issue, I always knew it was important to keep him safe, to feed him, clothe him, diaper him, bathe him but nurture him .. nope, that didn't happen.  In fact, I don't think that happened for the first two years of his life (sad I know!).  There would be times when Nidas was playing with toys and I'd find myself just staring off at a wall, avoiding making eye contact with him (so so sad!), I felt guilty just looking at him.

(30 minutes left)

(Oliver just got out of bed to go poo)

One day I realized that whatever was "naturally" kicking in as my parenting skills SUCKED!

I thought about what I want my kids to think back on when they are old, what I want their memories about me to be, what I want their memories about our family to be, what I want them to treasure, what I want them to pass on to their children.

I realized that although it is nice to have children that listen and follow every.single.word.I.say it is more important (to me) to have children who love their mother, children who feel comfortable being who they are around their family and so much more.  I am not saying we don't discipline our children (because we do .. OH WE DO!) but do you know what I realized ...

  ALL CHILDREN HAVE FEELINGS

just like me, just like you, just like every adult, every child has their own set of feelings and they're more sensitive than we think. 

 When speaking to someone isn't it frustrating when they're just partially involved in conversation with you (I'm guilty of this!), you're talking and they're messing around on their phone, you're talking, they're answering with "mmhmm, yeah, ooh" .. they're not engaged with you.  

so.frustrating.

That was my biggest downfall as a mother was not being engaged with my children and because it didn't come naturally for me I thought that I'd always be the mother whose children choose something other than her to be around but I decided I didn't want that to be me.  I don't want to be the mom that drops her kid off at a friends house, the mom who doesn't have special dates with her kids.  I want to be the mom (not the cool mom .. I think there's a different in being the cool mom and being the engaged mom) .. I want to be the engaged mom, the mom that the kids feel safe being around, the mom that the kids feel safe talking to, the mom that my children will one day look back on and call BLESSED, I want to be the mom that my children are proud of.

I wake up every day (knowing it will be tough to fully engage with my children) and I make a commitment to myself (and to my children) that I will be engaged, I will turn off that auto pilot, I will go collect leaves in the back yard, I will make tents, I will cuddle with each child, I will get to school early so the kids (and I) can play before the day starts, I will be present in their lives. 
I WILL!

My views on parenting are very different than they were 2 years ago.

I live each day to create a memory with each child that they will be able to hold on to, a memory that will help my children build their own foundations as little people, a memory that will comfort them in times of sorrow .. I want to be in the memories of my children.  I want to be in the good ones and I want them to know I was there with them during the bad ones.

  I choose not to be on the side lines.

I will be engaged.

The first to fly.

My oldest son flew out of the nest today

Pre-k is just up the road but it seems so far away

He has been expanding his wings and growing his mind for this day, for today.

The day when he will go to school and all of those things, the manners, the kind words, the abc's, the pencil holding skills, the scissor cutting practice, the paper folding lessons, the impromptu field trips, the life lessons on sharing, the importance of expressing himself in a healthy way, the ability to be who he is without fearing what others will think, today is the day when all of that is put to the test.

I pray (oh I PRAY!) that he will soar throughout the day and pass today's test, 

and the tests of all the days that lie ahead of him.

I sent my little boy off to school and I tried to hold back all of my fears and all of my tears.

I tried to speak only positive, encouraging and loving things.

I tried my best and now I pray that he will try his best.  

He's such a little cheese ball.  I pray that he has an excellent day and even at the very young age of 4 (and a half!) he will be an example to the other children in his class and to his teacher and that he will always show them the love of Christ.

As I'm sitting here typing this and drinking my coffee with only two children in the house (and my wonderful husband!), it already seems odd to be one-less during the day but I have peace, a peace that I didn't think I would have so early into the day .. silly me for not trusting God fully with every emotion and everything that comes my way .. even the mamma blues when my baby boy big boy heads to school. 

Nothing is too small (or too silly) for God's peace!

Happy first day of school Leonidas, we love you!

I will update this post with more photos from his first day in a few days because I was awesome enough to forget our memory card at home (and didn't realize it until I was trying to upload the photos) so I was shooting blanks all morning long!!  

Just something to laugh about later on!  

I added some photos of us picking Nidas up from his first day of school!  He drove his dune racer to and from school on the first day!!  Jared was in charge of the photos and it was SO hot AND I forgot to snatch the camera for a few photos of him and Nidas .. 

Unconventional, yes please!

We are a very unconventional family .. 

Jared and I are a bit odd (you probably already knew that).

I've always been a bit odd and I think know that as the years go by I am rubbing off a bit on Jared.

I'm not talking about our parenting skills (or lack of) 

(although those probably are too) .. 

Today, in this post, the word unconventional means .. sometimes we start food fights with the kids, we find a reason to celebrate everyone's birthday more than once a year, jumping on the bed (supervised) is a normal thing around here.  

My kids aren't crazy little rats but we do try to make the smallest things exciting and fun for them! 

To host a half birthday party all you need are two things:

one:  half of a birthday cake

two:  a silly little present that your child has been asking for

Nidas has wanted a "new neon better than before" pillow pet since he saw a commercial for it while we were in Missouri at my parent's house.  I don't usually purchase stuffed animals for my kids (they ask for them a lot) so this was extra special for Nidas.

I ordered this guy from a hallmark shop on eBay for $8!

Disclaimer:  I can't tell you if tossing around a few cheese balls or marshmallows at dinner is the right choice to make as a parent, or if celebrating a birthday more than once a year is the correct thing to do or even if it's a wise decision to let our children jump on our bed but I can tell you that doing silly things like this not only make our children happy but it makes us happy too.

I am also not saying that if you choose not to do these things you will not have happy children or happy moments together as a family .. these are just some of the silly little happy moments that we share, as a family.  :)

If you haven't seen it already, have a look at our first "Day in the life" video. 
I recorded everything we did last Saturday and edited into a little "movie"! 
Click here to watch our video!

20 years too soon.

I am slightly experiencing empty nest syndrome, 20 years too soon .. Aveline is nearly 20 months old and I've either had a newborn or a 6 month old baby to take care of when the others were this age and now .. nothing .. instead my oldest is getting ready to go to full time pre-k and our load is easing up a bit (so it seems) and our youngest, well we'll let this post be all about her.

Very thankful for this new phase in our lives but I didn't realize how use to taking care of a little baby I was am.  We always talked about how ready we were to be out of the baby phase and now we are well on our way to being done with the baby stage and although I wouldn't take back our permanent measures to ensure we don't have any more children it just feels odd to be nearly finished with what has been the last 4.5 years of my life as a mother.

I can't wait to see what's in store for us as a family now that we are able to go places and do things without toting along 7 bags full of baby items, pushing a stroller (yes, yesterday we ventured out to a children's museum without our stroller .. it was in the trunk of the van for security I guess .. just in case all didn't go as planned).

When Aveline was a teeny tiny baby I tried to savor every minute of it because I knew she was our last, 3rd and final addition to our family (at least biologically).  Every meal made with one hand (the other hand holding her while she was nursing), every helpless cry, every midnight feeding, every insanely hectic bath time that consisted of bathing the boys while she was nursing (okay, I might be a little glad that part is over) .. everything that comes along with having a baby, I tried to savor it for as long as possible but soon enough I started slowly saying goodbye to the little things that I had been treasuring.  When Aveline was 1 month old she started sleeping through the night, as happy as I was that she was mature enough to sleep through the night I was also sad because that was our special time.  The whole house was quiet, all of the other children were tucked safely in their beds asleep, I didn't have to share her with Daddy, just me and my baby bird awake, sitting inside my closet (jared turned our closet into a make-shift nursery while Aveline was little so I could feed her and change her diapers without leaving our room .. it was wonderful but now, that's just a memory and until today I had totally forgotten about it) anyway, sitting inside my closet in a rocking chair, holding my beautiful baby girl that I had only dreamed about having (I really thought we were having another boy), snuggling with her, singing her songs, it all ended way too fast.  Midnight feedings ended faster than I had hoped.  I know you're thinking "who is actually sad when their child starts sleeping through the night?" .. this girl .. that was our time and it ended before I felt like I had savored it enough.  When Aveline was 3 months we moved her from a bassinet beside our bed to a bassinet in our closet (because her bedroom felt miles away from me) and when she turned 5 months we put her in her baby crib (it still felt like miles away but she was far too large to be sleeping in a bassinet).  When Aveline was 6 months old we took family a road trip to Missouri for the summer, somewhere in there Aveline started taking a bottle and by the time we left Missouri she no longer wanted me for feedings, she wanted a bottle.  When she was 12 months old she weaned herself from her bottle, Jared gave her her last bottle and from then on she has needed me less and less each day.  It's not just Aveline that I'm sad about, it's the fact that she's my last baby that makes me sad (but happy at the same time).  Aveline still needs me every day but it's not quite the same type of need as what taking care of a baby is.  Aveline needs me to help put her shoes on, she needs me to help her wash her hands at the sink where the big kids get to wash their hands, she needs me to help her into her bed where she falls right to sleep, she needs me for things that my littlest baby doesn't seem big enough for.  :) Today, I leave you teary eyed with photos of our babies on the days that they were born.

Leonidas Frank

Our firstborn, he came with so many new parent fears and worries.

He has always been our little old man.

  

Oliver Drake

Jared was gone at BMT when Oliver was born and didn't get to see him until he was 3 weeks old when we visited Jared for his graduation.  This was the first time Jared saw/held Oliver.

Aveline Rachelle

Such a determined little girl, she came 9 days early but not a moment too soon.

A mother's love never dies, it never peaks, it constantly grows.  Here lately it's been growing a lot, it's a little bit uncomfortable to see my children growing and changing so much but it is equally as exciting and I'm just about ready to be ready for what's next.

Ministry isn't the position that you hold ..

As most everyone knows, we just ended a very long vacation in Missouri, our home state.  

While we were home Jared and I both had quite a few people ask us if we were volunteering in ministry at a church yet.  

Our answer is no.  

We've been here (Texas) for two years now and we are in no way involved in our church like we were when we lived in Missouri.  We attend church and leave when church is over, we don't volunteer in children's church, we don't volunteer with the youth.  

Let me say we LOVE LOVE LOVE the church we go to now (BRCC), it fits us and our family very well.   

I am not writing this post to defend our reasons as to why we aren't involved at our church.

I am writing this post to share our hearts and where we are at right now.

(which is exactly where we are suppose to be)

We have 3 wonderful reasons why we aren't currently involved in a volunteering at our church. 

Leonidas, Oliver and Aveline

One night, nearly 7 years ago (wow it's been that long), as I was nearing the end of my 1 year volunteer commitment at the Los Angeles Dream Center I was praying and seeking God for answers about wether or not I should stay at the Dream Center or come home (Missouri). 

 I felt that God was calling me back to Missouri which was so bizarre to me because when I moved to Los Angeles I thought I was going to be there for all my life, become a lifer at the Dream Center.  When I started to feel like moving back to Missouri was what I should be doing I then felt like I would no longer be working/volunteering in a church setting .. I knew that if I went back to Missouri I would be working a job out in the world, away from the walls of a church.  

I didn't understand how God could call me out to Los Angeles and then send me back to where I was before.

One night while I was having a quiet time in my room a thought ran through my head as clear as could be ...

"Ministry isn't the position that you hold, it's the position of your heart"

Things cleared up and I knew it was a "God thing" that I was moving back to Missouri.  I came back, started dating Jared again, got a job, got married, had babies and here I am now, almost 7 years later!  

I have always held on to what I heard that night no matter where I was at in my life, working a job in the "world" when I wanted to be working inside a church, working as a nanny, working as a wife, working as a mommy .. All things that I never thought I'd be.   

I always thought I'd be a single missionary lady that travels the world ministering to 1,000's of children but instead I am a married mommy who travels the world with her family and ministers to her 3 lovely children.  

Let me say God has a way of changing our hearts and it is indescribable and I will forever be thankful that my heart was changed because I experience so much joy now, joy that I've never had before.

So where we are at right now is exactly where I know we are suppose to be and I'm not talking about being in Texas or attending the right church.  

I'm talking about me, being a stay at home mom, making it work, ministering to my children and using every situation (good or bad) as an opportunity to show my children the love of Christ and how awesome/important it is to consistently rely on Him for all of our needs and to teach them how important a personal relationship with Jesus truly is.

So no, we aren't currently involved in volunteering at a church but YES we are (and always will be) involved in ministry and right now our ministry is our children and our marriage, building a strong foundation that our children can look back on and be thankful for.  

A strong foundation that will hold up when everything around us crumbles, when things aren't going well, when we feel we are all alone, when we wish we made more money, when we reach for things that are still just out of our reach, 

a foundation that will hold up against the unknown things that lie ahead of us.

It's always nice to post cutesy little photos of our children and talk about the fun times we're having but this is a tid bit of my heart our hearts because I know Jared and I feel exactly the same about this. 

Disclaimer:  I'm not saying that ministry isn't inside of a church or that people with children who work in a church aren't doing what they're suppose to be doing.  

I'm just saying where WE are at right now and that we feel it is where we should be.  :)

This is one of the only family photos we took the whole time we were on vacation but at least it's awesome!  

This was the last day of our vacation and we decided that creekin' in the rain was the best way to end it all.  :)