Elephants.Eat.Oranges.

Let me set the scene:

I wake up on Sunday morning, Jared and I's 6th wedding anniversary.

I race to be the first one to say "happy anniversary" as I wake Jared up.

I start getting ready for church, thinking about how awesomely jam packed the past 6 years have been for Jared and I.

I wouldn't change a single minute of it, we are at an excellent place because of what we have been through and it hasn't all been wonderful, it hasn't even been pleasant for a large portion of it but I married my best friend and I will forever be thankful for that and it will always be worth the work.

Thinking happy thoughts all while I'm getting ready.  

I can hear Jared with the kids downstairs, eating breakfast, talking about the days agenda, I smell my coffee brewing and then hear footsteps of Jared coming upstairs to deliver my coffee with an extra scoop of ice-cream in it.  

Hearts, hearts, hearts, lovely feelings and what not.

I married my hero.

I come downstairs to trade places with Jared. 

I'm ready for the day, now it's Jared's turn to get ready while I finish up breakfast, mess and getting the kids dressed.

(our typical Sunday routine)

Aveline: cleaned up and dressed.check.

Oliver: cleaned up and dressed.check.

Leonidas: cleaned up and dressed..not quite.

Leonidas:  oh how I love you with all of my heart.

Leonidas put his dishes in the sink, washed his hands and his face and headed to the living room to get dressed.  I asked him to put on his jeans, he squirmed, wiggled, whined and threw a fit.  My well mannered little big boy threw a fit because he didn't want to put his jeans on.  

Now, if you know Nidas you know he rarely throws a fit, he rarely does anything child-like at all, that's just his personality.  He has always been more interested in adult conversation.  Instead of playing with a toy he is figuring out how it works, what makes it tick.  Jared and I call Leonidas our 40 year old little boy, we laugh and picture him being just like Manny from the show Modern Family.  

Oliver though, he's our Luke from the show, care free, wears his heart on his sleeves .. not just one sleeve but both of them, he let's his emotions show without any filter at all.  When Oliver is happy the whole world can see it and when Oliver is sad the whole world can hear it, that's just how he is.  

Until yesterday I always thought that Oliver was being "difficult" because he showed his emotions so frequently and so easily.  It is frustrating that he will be so happy one minute and the next he's crying because something didn't go his way, especially when we're out in public or at someone's house.

However, it is very easy to tell how Oliver feels because he lets us know without even thinking about whether he should or shouldn't be acting a certain way.

Leonidas though, he doesn't.  He has always been a very VERY easy child, he likes to please people so it has never been a struggle with him and because of that I realize that I set some pretty high standards for him, which he always meets, that I'm now taking down quite a few notches.  He likes to feel needed and he loves positive encouragement but he's still a kid and should have kid-like responsibilities.

(here's where I start to feel queasy!)

Leonidas threw a fit because he didn't want to put his jeans on (so unlike him!).

I yelled YELLED at him.

shouted.screamed.hollered.

(call it what you want but it wasn't nice)

I yelled at him and told him to put his jeans on.

I made eye contact with him when I yelled and do you know what his reaction was?

n.o.t.h.i.n.g.

not a flinch.

not a change in expression.

not a tear.

it seemed like he didn't even care that I had yelled.

I was a bit shocked and a bit relieved that he didn't seem bothered by it because I was already embarrassed that I had been so rude with him.

Of course, I immediately felt terrible for yelling at him.

I was upset and chose to handle it like a child.

about 10 minutes later I couldn't shake how I had treated him.

I called him over to me, he came just as chipper as ever.

I sat on my knees, placed him on my knees facing me.

I made eye contact with him and I told him that I had something to tell him.

I said "Leonidas, I'm so so sorry that I yelled at you like I did."

I didn't even have enough time to get all of my apology out,

Leonidas broke down.

He started crying, like I've never seen before.

He curled up in my lap, buried his head in my chest and cried .. and cried.

I hadn't even finished apologizing to him for the way that I acted towards him.

I continued to tell him 

"The way that I acted wasn't good, it wasn't right.  Nobody deserves to be yelled at."

he was still crying.

(breaks my heart!)

I didn't promise that I would never yell at him again.

(because I do NOT make promises to my children that I can not keep)

I did promise him that I will try my hardest to stay calm when I am feeling grumpy.

At that very moment I learned a very important lesson.

in this case it was my yelling at him that triggered it but it goes for all situations:

..Just because there aren't any tears doesn't mean he isn't crying on the inside..

I do believe that I learned a very valuable lesson yesterday.

Leonidas doesn't always show his emotions but that doesn't mean they aren't there.

In fact, he's the one that needs the most emotional support from us so that he always feels comfortable enough to share all of his feelings with us.  He has always been a very "level headed" kid so I always assumed his emotions were the same but it turns out, he was just waiting for me to invite him to share his feelings with me.

(oh gosh.  i'm a teary eyed mess just thinking about how hurtful i was to him)

After Leonidas and I had shed our tears,

I whispered our secret phrase in his ear

"Elephants.Eat.Oranges?"

to which he replied

"Elephants.Eat.Oranges!"

:)  :)  I smiled a million smiles  :)  :)  

Elephants eat oranges is our secret phrase to say "I love you" without anybody else knowing what we're saying.  :)

*****************************************

you might be asking yourself .. why on earth would you apologize to your child?

The answer simple.

BECAUSE.

.. because my children need to see that their parents make mistakes and we take action for our mistakes.  if my children can't live from the examples I set for them in every area of my life, what will they live by and who will they look up to?  

I want my children to see my mistakes and know that I can (and will) own up to them.

Do I feel terrible for what happened: yes

Am I thankful for what happened: yes

Thankful because now I know that Nidas doesn't easily express the emotions that he has.

I truthfully thought he was just happy all the time because he is such an easy going kid.

Maybe he is happy all the time and if that's the case, great.

If he isn't happy all of the time, now I know that he is waiting for me to emotionally engage with him before he shares how he is feeling.

I am in no way sharing this story to get pity comments or anything of the sort.

The last thing I want is someone to feel sorry for me or for what happened.

I did learn a very VERY valuable lesson.

I felt it necessary to share this story because maybe someone else out there with a 40-year old 4 year old might take my mistake and use it for their benefit to avoid the heartache that it caused me.

A letter to my son..

Leonidas, I love you with all of my heart.

I promise to always try my hardest to keep my cool.

If my hardest isn't hard enough, I will find a way to try even harder.

I love you more than you will ever know.

You are so SO very special to me.

I am sorry for hurting you and I'm sorry for the times that I have let you down.

I am sorry for the times that I will hurt you again.

Elephants.Eat.Oranges.