I will be engaged..

inhale...

do you smell that? 

it smells like comfort...

I have a pan of my great great grandmothers homemade chicken and noodle soup simmering on the stove today during nap time, yep .. chicken and noodles for dinner tonight!

  I have 45 minutes before the kids wake up and we head to school to pick up Nidas.  

I thought I'd share a bit of my heart with you today, as much as I can share in a 45 minute type session.

Being a mother good mother doesn't come naturally for me.

  I have to work for it.  It isn't something that just happened once I had children.

Somewhere along the way I lost my ability to play, build tents, have parades, create messes, explore through the grass jungle, skip, laugh and even read .. I guess I'm what Peter Pan would call "an adult".

I do want my children to love and respect me. 

 I also want my children to be open with me, to play with me, to have fun with me, to confide in me .. not just now but when they are teenagers and after that when they are adults.

For the first 3 years of Leonidas' life it was all about structure for us.  I thrived off it (and still do), I can't function without order and cleanliness.  I'm not sure if it's because of the transitions that we were constantly in while Nidas was younger, by transitions I mean living in other people's homes, Jared being gone, constantly being "busy" with visiting family and friends, or just me not fully adjusting to the life of a stay at home mom but somewhere in there something was making me feel the need to discipline my child more than love my child.  

When Nidas was little I had severe postpartum depression.  

I'm not talking baby blues and a few random tears .. I'm talking sobs, constantly (when there wasn't anyone else around), there were times when Nidas was younger (we're talking newborn - 6 months) that I didn't even want to hold him .. I didn't even want to hold my own child.  Thinking back on how I felt when Nidas was little makes me so so SO sad.  

I've never really told a lot of people about these experiences, Jared knows and a few other moms know but that's about it.  Nidas' safety was never an issue, I always knew it was important to keep him safe, to feed him, clothe him, diaper him, bathe him but nurture him .. nope, that didn't happen.  In fact, I don't think that happened for the first two years of his life (sad I know!).  There would be times when Nidas was playing with toys and I'd find myself just staring off at a wall, avoiding making eye contact with him (so so sad!), I felt guilty just looking at him.

(30 minutes left)

(Oliver just got out of bed to go poo)

One day I realized that whatever was "naturally" kicking in as my parenting skills SUCKED!

I thought about what I want my kids to think back on when they are old, what I want their memories about me to be, what I want their memories about our family to be, what I want them to treasure, what I want them to pass on to their children.

I realized that although it is nice to have children that listen and follow every.single.word.I.say it is more important (to me) to have children who love their mother, children who feel comfortable being who they are around their family and so much more.  I am not saying we don't discipline our children (because we do .. OH WE DO!) but do you know what I realized ...

  ALL CHILDREN HAVE FEELINGS

just like me, just like you, just like every adult, every child has their own set of feelings and they're more sensitive than we think. 

 When speaking to someone isn't it frustrating when they're just partially involved in conversation with you (I'm guilty of this!), you're talking and they're messing around on their phone, you're talking, they're answering with "mmhmm, yeah, ooh" .. they're not engaged with you.  

so.frustrating.

That was my biggest downfall as a mother was not being engaged with my children and because it didn't come naturally for me I thought that I'd always be the mother whose children choose something other than her to be around but I decided I didn't want that to be me.  I don't want to be the mom that drops her kid off at a friends house, the mom who doesn't have special dates with her kids.  I want to be the mom (not the cool mom .. I think there's a different in being the cool mom and being the engaged mom) .. I want to be the engaged mom, the mom that the kids feel safe being around, the mom that the kids feel safe talking to, the mom that my children will one day look back on and call BLESSED, I want to be the mom that my children are proud of.

I wake up every day (knowing it will be tough to fully engage with my children) and I make a commitment to myself (and to my children) that I will be engaged, I will turn off that auto pilot, I will go collect leaves in the back yard, I will make tents, I will cuddle with each child, I will get to school early so the kids (and I) can play before the day starts, I will be present in their lives. 
I WILL!

My views on parenting are very different than they were 2 years ago.

I live each day to create a memory with each child that they will be able to hold on to, a memory that will help my children build their own foundations as little people, a memory that will comfort them in times of sorrow .. I want to be in the memories of my children.  I want to be in the good ones and I want them to know I was there with them during the bad ones.

  I choose not to be on the side lines.

I will be engaged.