Merry Christmas.

I sat down tonight to blog about the holiday and how excited I am for Christmas but nothing came to me.  I know that I am excited for Tuesday but writing about it tonight just wasn't happening.

I've been thinking a lot about last Christmas, how we spent it, who we were with, who came to visit, how old the kids were and where I was at personally last Christmas.  I was a mess (I still am a mess but I'm a beautiful mess that is allowing God to work through me now).

Last Christmas and really all of last year and probably even before that I felt guilty, I felt guilty for everything .. guilty as a mom, guilty as a wife, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty for not spending enough time with my kids, guilty for spending too much time with the kids and not enough time with my husband, guilty for spending a minute to myself, you name it I felt it, I even felt guilty for not feeling guilty when I wasn't with the kids, I was a mess. 

 I'm not quite sure why  .. I know exactly why I was feeling this way, after a lot of "soul searching" and getting to the root of why I felt the way I did I realized that it wasn't because there were other women around me doing things better than I was and I felt like less of a mom, it wasn't because people were pinning things that involved more talent than I had on pinterest, it wasn't because I saw posts on facebook that made me feel inferior as a mother, I felt guilty because I took my eyes off of Jesus.  I took my eyes off of Him for a split second and the sneaky old devil (as Oliver would say) did what he does best, he snuck right in, saw my weakness and instead of me seeing it right away I allowed other things to take the place where Jesus use to be, other things that weren't filling my void, a void that was created inside every single one of us, a void that only Jesus can fill.  It's like those old school shape sorters, you can't fit a star into the square hole, it just doesn't work, maybe a smaller star will fit through but it won't fill it up.

I was in such a dark place, I felt all alone (silly me), I felt like there wasn't a single person who would understand (without judging me) for feeling the way I felt, I felt trapped, I felt scared, I felt crazy!  I felt what it is like to be so far away from God, far away like before I trusted Him with my life.  That's a scary road to be on before you get saved but after you get saved, it's even scarier because Satan will try his hardest to keep you on that road and he will try his best to keep you busy, too busy to notice what's happening with your life.  Too busy to leave time to feel real emotions and when you do feel those real emotions there's always a plan B and after plan B fails there's a plan C when you're on that road. 

I feel like when I am traveling down the road with Jesus (cheesy analogy I know but just go with it) there's never a plan B, there's only plan A and it takes work, it doesn't come easy, it doesn't always go without bumps and swerves but Jesus doesn't leave room for a plan B when he's the driver because Jesus created us and knows exactly what he wants out of us and for each of us it's something different.  In my life, when I changed lanes and started "coasting" through life for a while it seriously was extremely overwhelming because there were so many other choices, so many other plans, so many other exits along the road, it was exhausting and that's where all of the guilt was coming from.  Guilt from knowing that something wasn't right, trying to pinpoint just one certain thing along the road that was wrong, trying to fix the one single thing when really, I needed a birds eye view of things to see that it wasn't one small thing that needed to be fixed, it was my entire life.  I wasn't traveling with Jesus anymore, I had switched directions and it happened so casually.   Honestly SO scary thinking back on it, scary because for a while I didn't even notice or feel it, I honestly didn't.

I find myself this Christmas extremely THANKFUL.   Thankful beyond words.  Thankful for a loving Father who so freely forgives, a loving Father who gave his only Son so that when I make mistakes, when I change directions, all I have to do is ask for his forgiveness and His grace.  I am thankful that I am a daughter of The King, I am forever thankful that I believe what I believe and that Jesus is the center of not just who I am but who my family is.  I am incredibly thankful, thankful that in Christ there is no guilt, no shame, I am who I am, I rest at the end of each day knowing that I tried my best and if I didn't try my best I am thankful that I am given the next day to try again.  I am thankful that God forgives us as soon as we ask for forgiveness.  In Christ Alone..I am who I am today and it breaks my heart to even think that there are other moms, married women, single women, divorced women today that do/could/have or will feel like this at some point.  Satan is a sneaky old devil and as elementary as it sounds, he will sneak in where he sees a crack, pry that crack wide open and take you for all that you have but in an extremely non painful way, you don't feel the pain from it at first, when the pain starts, there's always something or someone else to blame it on.  

Before I sat down to blog tonight I prayed (I always pray before I blog).  I prayed that what came out of my heart tonight, what came from my fingers and onto the keyboard would translate clearly to you and I prayed that if I could just touch the life of one person, that perhaps by sharing a tiny bit of my past, someone else will be able to look back next Christmas and be more thankful than I am this year, that someone else will be lifted up and will transform from out of darkness back into light.  As women, daughters of the King at that, we have got to put silly petty things aside and start lifting each other up and not just when we see that someone is hurting, all of the time.  People need real and you are not alone.

I can't stop thinking about this song tonight .. I searched youtube for a good video, there were several and even an Owl City cover which was nice, the song is titled in Christ alone.

In Christ alone I am thankful.  

Thankful for a Father who gave his only Son for me and for you.

May your Christmas be filled with love, grace and peace from the One who gave His only Son for your life.  

Merry Christmas, Friends. 

sneak peek trick or treat

It's officially my favorite time of year!

Yesterday we took the kids out to take photos of them in their halloween costumes.

I like to take photos of their costumes before the actual day so that when Halloween comes around it's all about the trick or treating and a few snap shots of all the action!  :)

This year we are handing out popsicles again, it seemed to be a big hit last year so we're doing it again!

Back to the costumes.

Oliver is (still) obsessed with anything Lightning McQueen so of course that's who he wanted to be for Halloween.

I'd rather not attempt to make a McQueen costume so I bought one.

Nidas then wanted to be Fin McMissile with bombs.

The Fin costume wasn't too hard to find 

(I bought both boys costumes on ebay for super cheap!)

but the bombs .. BAGH!

I thought about water balloons, it made sense, so we bought some water balloons and Leonidas used those as bombs, it was a hit .. you'll see!

I let Leonidas choose Aveline's costume since she's just a hair too young to choose for herself and guess what he chose for her .. a flag .. he wanted her to be a racing flag, to match both of the boys and their car costumes. not cool.  

oh well, Nidas chose and he was super excited when I finished making A's costume.

I made Aveline's costume out of the table runner that we used for Oliver's birthday party a few weeks ago.  :)

Jared drove us out to Medina where he knew of the perfect location to snap a few photos of the kids.  :)

The photos aren't the greatest quality and I don't edit photos, I just capture memories .. how cheesy does that sound!  haha!

As usual, when the camera comes out, at least one kid isn't having it and all of the kids had major cases of the "jumpies" as Aveline says.  Everyone was jumping around, having fun.

Leonidas in his Fin costume.

seriously, he is the sweetest!

Oliver in his McQueen costume.  :)

This girl .. she was not in the mood for photos!

seriously, how pitiful is that face!

:)  finally a smile!

This is where the "jumpies" start .. and the predicted tears from Oliver.

Nidas saw this last night and said "Whoa, look at our baby's hair!"

feeling a little rotten with her tongue out!

Now Oliver has the "jumpies" too!

Aveline was "finning" (spinning) and she's actually pretty graceful, she hardly ever falls down.

We brought out the bombs .. do you see the splash?

Geronimo! 

Nidas about ready to nail Jared with a bomb!

ker-splat!

Oliver was having way too much fun.  We realized this was their first water ballon experience (we think)!

I asked Nidas to take a few photos of Jared and I after the kids were done.

Usually Nidas does an okay job .. not this time.  

He was all over the place, cutting our faces and legs off.

The exposure is different in every single photo, still not sure how he managed that! 

They're cute though because Nidas took them!  :)

 

I have massive root growth now, which is a good thing.  I'm letting my natural color grow out ...
and I can't stop styling my hair like an elderly lady, I just love it .. :)

Thanks for looking, hope you enjoyed.  :)

mushy gushy love and stuff

Prepare yourself.  I'm getting ready to brag about how awesome my husband is.  If you don't care to hear about his awesomeness .. close out of this post now, I promise I won't be offended.  

Actually, I'd be happy if you chose to close out of this now rather than have you read this post and assume that my marriage is great and wonderful all the time.  Let me tell you something, it's not.  No marriage is, all marriages require work (and lots of it!).  Great marriages require great work.

If you're still reading, this post is a bit different than most.  I don't blog about my marriage very often, it's mostly about the kids here.  I've thought about blogging about what Jared and I have been through but I don't think I ever will.  Not because I don't want to share what we've been through, I'll share it all if it helps another couple with their marriage.  I'm not going to share everything here with everyone because our "dirty laundry" doesn't need to be aired out to everyone.  Some things we've been through are sensitive and don't need to be seen by the whole world or even our close friends and family.  :)

now that that's over!

I woke up to an empty bed and the smell of pancakes.

Jared snuck all of the kids out of their beds and downstairs so I could catch a few extra zzz's.

After I got out of bed (feeling rather refreshed), Jared ran to the mini-mall for some milk.

After the milk (and Jared) arrived home I was ushered upstairs with my cup of hot coffee.

Jared said "I think there are videos on youtube for you to watch but you have to find them" "go talk with your sister on facebook" "pin somethings on pinterest" basically, go catch a break for a while.

Yes, please and thank you!

I'm sitting up here (with my coffee!) (in our cozy little bedroom that looks like a cozy vintage bed and breakfast because my wonderful husband let me decorate it how I wanted), listening to Jared and the kids giggling and wrestling around downstairs.  It's nice to be alone and to have a break first thing in the morning (very nice!). 

I hear them laughing, playing and having fun .. without me.  I know they aren't having fun because I'm not there but because daddy is here, he isn't working, he is here and he is in charge and when daddy is in charge that means it's always fun!

I am so thankful for my best friend.  :)

I failed to blog about our recent anniversary (year 6!).  

6 years and 6 days (as of today).  In the past 6 years since being married we have had 3 children, lived in 5 different houses, spent almost an entire year apart (when Jared joined the Air Force), shared 1,000's of laughs and shed even more tears.  The past 6 years have led us to where we are today and for that, every single minute of it (the good and the bad) have been worth it.  

This past year has been wonderful for me (and for my marriage).  I have grown a lot which also means that our marriage has grown a lot.  As the kids get older I find myself with more time to think about my marriage and what I want from it now and in 30 years.  The conclusion is:  whatever the issue is, it will always be worth the work because I am married to my best friend who knows me better than I know myself.  

We each married our best friend. 

Last Sunday night Jared and I were laying in bed discussing the whirlwind of the past 6 years.  Not regretting a single minute of it because it all led us to where we are today and it is preparing us for what's next.  

We didn't exchange cards, we didn't "celebrate" our anniversary in any type of way, other than saying "happy anniversary" to each other.

I mean this with all of my heart, where we are at today in our relationship is far greater than any card, than any dinner, than any surprise gift, where we are at today is the gift and that gift is worth the work.

Jared has taught me that love isn't a feeling, love is a choice and love requires work, work that in the end turns out to be far better than any emotional feeling because feelings change but when you work towards something that you love, it always turns out better than any emotion could ever feel.  

I am so thankful that Jared is my best friend and my husband.

I love you.

Beeeeeest Friends.


Also, I need to give a huge shout out (woot woot!) to my best girlfriend Ann and her wonderful husband Kaleb (and baby girl on the way!).  They truly have had an amazing, indescribable, priceless impact on Jared and I's marriage and in my own life.  I can't thank God enough for friends who aren't afraid to tell us what needs to be told and to teach us what needs to be taught.  We love you guys (and baby girl!!) so much!  Thank you for everything!

Oliver Drake.

Happy Birthday, Oliver Drake.
I wish there were a way to describe you in just one word but that's what is so special about you, there isn't.
You are feisty, you are sweet, you are adorably handsome, you are so unique.  
You are YOU and that's what we love most about you!

You were born 3 years ago today on a chilly fall morning.
You met your daddy when you were 3.5 weeks old.
You got your first tooth when you were 6 months old.
You took your first steps when you were 10 months old.
You became a big brother when you were 14 months old.
You started speech therapy when you were 2 years old.
You won't stop talking now and you're 3 years old.
Your favorite color is yellow.
You love Lightning Mcqueen and anything else that drives on wheels.
You try so hard to be much bigger than you are.
You are a teeny tiny bit afraid of the dark.
You are rough and tough but your feelings are not.
Your heart is so big and you wear it on your sleeve.
You are .. You.

When we say that we love you from your head to your toes, we mean it!

We love that your hair grows all crazy and wild like the little animal that you are.
We love that your kisses are so delicate and so sweet.
We love that your hands hold ours so tight.
We love that your legs are so stocky and muscular.
We love that your feet take you wherever you want to go.
We love you from your head to your toes.

We pray for you.  We pray for you every day.

I pray that you will grow up to be like your daddy.
That you will love Jesus with all of your heart.
I pray that you will always be an example of Christ's love.
I pray that you will influence others around you.
I pray that your personality never changes 
but you find Christ in the center of who you are.

Happy Birthday, Oliver.

You were the only baby who didn't take us by surprise but you've been surprising us every day since the day you were born.  :)

Oliver Drake, you are loved more than you know.

Here are a few photos from Oliver's very special day!

Leonidas showing Oliver the present that he picked out for him!

Birthday candle in his bowl of cereal.

Jared surprised me with two of my favorite drinks from Starbucks.

we rode the train at the zoo.

yelling in the tunnel.

love from the birthday boy

seriously, don't ask about my hair (i'm growing it out) or the wrinkles on my face (i'm getting old).

Oliver excited to see what Uncle Josh sent him!

Oliver wanted pizza movie night for his birthday so we had pizza movie night and put candles in his pizza.  :)

Jared made this cake for him.  :)

Oliver had us put a candle in everything he ate that day.  He also requested the birthday song just about every hour!