Merry Christmas.

I sat down tonight to blog about the holiday and how excited I am for Christmas but nothing came to me.  I know that I am excited for Tuesday but writing about it tonight just wasn't happening.

I've been thinking a lot about last Christmas, how we spent it, who we were with, who came to visit, how old the kids were and where I was at personally last Christmas.  I was a mess (I still am a mess but I'm a beautiful mess that is allowing God to work through me now).

Last Christmas and really all of last year and probably even before that I felt guilty, I felt guilty for everything .. guilty as a mom, guilty as a wife, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty for not spending enough time with my kids, guilty for spending too much time with the kids and not enough time with my husband, guilty for spending a minute to myself, you name it I felt it, I even felt guilty for not feeling guilty when I wasn't with the kids, I was a mess. 

 I'm not quite sure why  .. I know exactly why I was feeling this way, after a lot of "soul searching" and getting to the root of why I felt the way I did I realized that it wasn't because there were other women around me doing things better than I was and I felt like less of a mom, it wasn't because people were pinning things that involved more talent than I had on pinterest, it wasn't because I saw posts on facebook that made me feel inferior as a mother, I felt guilty because I took my eyes off of Jesus.  I took my eyes off of Him for a split second and the sneaky old devil (as Oliver would say) did what he does best, he snuck right in, saw my weakness and instead of me seeing it right away I allowed other things to take the place where Jesus use to be, other things that weren't filling my void, a void that was created inside every single one of us, a void that only Jesus can fill.  It's like those old school shape sorters, you can't fit a star into the square hole, it just doesn't work, maybe a smaller star will fit through but it won't fill it up.

I was in such a dark place, I felt all alone (silly me), I felt like there wasn't a single person who would understand (without judging me) for feeling the way I felt, I felt trapped, I felt scared, I felt crazy!  I felt what it is like to be so far away from God, far away like before I trusted Him with my life.  That's a scary road to be on before you get saved but after you get saved, it's even scarier because Satan will try his hardest to keep you on that road and he will try his best to keep you busy, too busy to notice what's happening with your life.  Too busy to leave time to feel real emotions and when you do feel those real emotions there's always a plan B and after plan B fails there's a plan C when you're on that road. 

I feel like when I am traveling down the road with Jesus (cheesy analogy I know but just go with it) there's never a plan B, there's only plan A and it takes work, it doesn't come easy, it doesn't always go without bumps and swerves but Jesus doesn't leave room for a plan B when he's the driver because Jesus created us and knows exactly what he wants out of us and for each of us it's something different.  In my life, when I changed lanes and started "coasting" through life for a while it seriously was extremely overwhelming because there were so many other choices, so many other plans, so many other exits along the road, it was exhausting and that's where all of the guilt was coming from.  Guilt from knowing that something wasn't right, trying to pinpoint just one certain thing along the road that was wrong, trying to fix the one single thing when really, I needed a birds eye view of things to see that it wasn't one small thing that needed to be fixed, it was my entire life.  I wasn't traveling with Jesus anymore, I had switched directions and it happened so casually.   Honestly SO scary thinking back on it, scary because for a while I didn't even notice or feel it, I honestly didn't.

I find myself this Christmas extremely THANKFUL.   Thankful beyond words.  Thankful for a loving Father who so freely forgives, a loving Father who gave his only Son so that when I make mistakes, when I change directions, all I have to do is ask for his forgiveness and His grace.  I am thankful that I am a daughter of The King, I am forever thankful that I believe what I believe and that Jesus is the center of not just who I am but who my family is.  I am incredibly thankful, thankful that in Christ there is no guilt, no shame, I am who I am, I rest at the end of each day knowing that I tried my best and if I didn't try my best I am thankful that I am given the next day to try again.  I am thankful that God forgives us as soon as we ask for forgiveness.  In Christ Alone..I am who I am today and it breaks my heart to even think that there are other moms, married women, single women, divorced women today that do/could/have or will feel like this at some point.  Satan is a sneaky old devil and as elementary as it sounds, he will sneak in where he sees a crack, pry that crack wide open and take you for all that you have but in an extremely non painful way, you don't feel the pain from it at first, when the pain starts, there's always something or someone else to blame it on.  

Before I sat down to blog tonight I prayed (I always pray before I blog).  I prayed that what came out of my heart tonight, what came from my fingers and onto the keyboard would translate clearly to you and I prayed that if I could just touch the life of one person, that perhaps by sharing a tiny bit of my past, someone else will be able to look back next Christmas and be more thankful than I am this year, that someone else will be lifted up and will transform from out of darkness back into light.  As women, daughters of the King at that, we have got to put silly petty things aside and start lifting each other up and not just when we see that someone is hurting, all of the time.  People need real and you are not alone.

I can't stop thinking about this song tonight .. I searched youtube for a good video, there were several and even an Owl City cover which was nice, the song is titled in Christ alone.

In Christ alone I am thankful.  

Thankful for a Father who gave his only Son for me and for you.

May your Christmas be filled with love, grace and peace from the One who gave His only Son for your life.  

Merry Christmas, Friends.