20 years too soon.

I am slightly experiencing empty nest syndrome, 20 years too soon .. Aveline is nearly 20 months old and I've either had a newborn or a 6 month old baby to take care of when the others were this age and now .. nothing .. instead my oldest is getting ready to go to full time pre-k and our load is easing up a bit (so it seems) and our youngest, well we'll let this post be all about her.

Very thankful for this new phase in our lives but I didn't realize how use to taking care of a little baby I was am.  We always talked about how ready we were to be out of the baby phase and now we are well on our way to being done with the baby stage and although I wouldn't take back our permanent measures to ensure we don't have any more children it just feels odd to be nearly finished with what has been the last 4.5 years of my life as a mother.

I can't wait to see what's in store for us as a family now that we are able to go places and do things without toting along 7 bags full of baby items, pushing a stroller (yes, yesterday we ventured out to a children's museum without our stroller .. it was in the trunk of the van for security I guess .. just in case all didn't go as planned).

When Aveline was a teeny tiny baby I tried to savor every minute of it because I knew she was our last, 3rd and final addition to our family (at least biologically).  Every meal made with one hand (the other hand holding her while she was nursing), every helpless cry, every midnight feeding, every insanely hectic bath time that consisted of bathing the boys while she was nursing (okay, I might be a little glad that part is over) .. everything that comes along with having a baby, I tried to savor it for as long as possible but soon enough I started slowly saying goodbye to the little things that I had been treasuring.  When Aveline was 1 month old she started sleeping through the night, as happy as I was that she was mature enough to sleep through the night I was also sad because that was our special time.  The whole house was quiet, all of the other children were tucked safely in their beds asleep, I didn't have to share her with Daddy, just me and my baby bird awake, sitting inside my closet (jared turned our closet into a make-shift nursery while Aveline was little so I could feed her and change her diapers without leaving our room .. it was wonderful but now, that's just a memory and until today I had totally forgotten about it) anyway, sitting inside my closet in a rocking chair, holding my beautiful baby girl that I had only dreamed about having (I really thought we were having another boy), snuggling with her, singing her songs, it all ended way too fast.  Midnight feedings ended faster than I had hoped.  I know you're thinking "who is actually sad when their child starts sleeping through the night?" .. this girl .. that was our time and it ended before I felt like I had savored it enough.  When Aveline was 3 months we moved her from a bassinet beside our bed to a bassinet in our closet (because her bedroom felt miles away from me) and when she turned 5 months we put her in her baby crib (it still felt like miles away but she was far too large to be sleeping in a bassinet).  When Aveline was 6 months old we took family a road trip to Missouri for the summer, somewhere in there Aveline started taking a bottle and by the time we left Missouri she no longer wanted me for feedings, she wanted a bottle.  When she was 12 months old she weaned herself from her bottle, Jared gave her her last bottle and from then on she has needed me less and less each day.  It's not just Aveline that I'm sad about, it's the fact that she's my last baby that makes me sad (but happy at the same time).  Aveline still needs me every day but it's not quite the same type of need as what taking care of a baby is.  Aveline needs me to help put her shoes on, she needs me to help her wash her hands at the sink where the big kids get to wash their hands, she needs me to help her into her bed where she falls right to sleep, she needs me for things that my littlest baby doesn't seem big enough for.  :) Today, I leave you teary eyed with photos of our babies on the days that they were born.

Leonidas Frank

Our firstborn, he came with so many new parent fears and worries.

He has always been our little old man.

  

Oliver Drake

Jared was gone at BMT when Oliver was born and didn't get to see him until he was 3 weeks old when we visited Jared for his graduation.  This was the first time Jared saw/held Oliver.

Aveline Rachelle

Such a determined little girl, she came 9 days early but not a moment too soon.

A mother's love never dies, it never peaks, it constantly grows.  Here lately it's been growing a lot, it's a little bit uncomfortable to see my children growing and changing so much but it is equally as exciting and I'm just about ready to be ready for what's next.